The Truth About River
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: Crackfic! the Doctor and Amy get called by a hospital, one of the Doctor's friends is about to go in for surgery. the real truth about River Song is revealed much to the Doctor's horror


_Ring! Ring! Ring! Ring!_

"The phone's ringing again!" Amy yelled over her shoulder.

"Well answer it!" the Doctor shouted back, pushing down a lever as that TARDIS tipped them sideways.

"What am I? You're secretary?" the Doctor opened his mouth to say something and she shook her head. "On second thoughts don't answer that" she picked the phone up and placed it between her ear and shoulders as once again the TARDIS threw them down to the ground. "Hello, this is Amy Pond, how can I help you? Yes, the Doctor is here....yes...yes...I'll pass it on, thank you" she struggled upwards to hang the phone up, blowing her hair out of her face.

"Well?" the Doctor said impatiently.

"Your friend is in the Royal Hope Hospital on the planet Vlarg in the Fifty First century, 23rd March at 11;38, don't be late" Amy recited.

The Doctor looked worried. "Did they say what for?"

"Yeah, surgery. Apparently he wanted you there to hold his hand or something"

"Who is it?"

"A Captain Jack Harkness"

"What?" the Doctor looked disbelievingly. "Jack's injured or sick?"

"Probably, that's what surgeries are usually for"

"But Jack's immortal! He can't die, believe me I tried"

"Doctor!" Amy said shocked. "He's your friend and what's you to be there for him"

"Yeah...but we have a time machine, we can go and see him...never?"

The look that Amy gave him reminded him too much of Donna, Rose, Jackie and a dalek all mixed together.

Damn, why did he always pick the scary companions?

DWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Amy was stunned to see such a bloody gorgeous healthy man sitting up in the hospital bed. He had thick crisp looking dark hair with sparkling blue eyes and finely chiselled face. Through the white hospital gown she could see he had a body of an Adonis as well. He looked healthy and fine as he sat there reading a book.

"Captain" the Doctor said coldly. "You're looking well"

The man turned to the Doctor. "And you keep getting younger. Keep this up and you'll be hitting puberty again, Doc" the man said cheerfully. He noticed Amy and eyed her with a hint of lust that did some good to her self-confidence. "Hell-o beautiful, I don't believe we've met before. Captain Jack Harkness" he held his hand out for her to shake which she took, he then immediately flipped it and pressed a kiss on her knuckles.

"A-Amy, Amy Pond" she stuttered.

"An honour" Jack purred.

"Stop it" the Doctor said rolling his eyes. "I came to see if you were actually ill, not taking an opportunity to find a sympathy shag"

"You wound me" Jack said dryly. "I'm not ill or injured, just fed up"

"Fed up?" Amy repeated.

"Of being Jack Harkness. I don't want to be a man anymore, Doc. This body and eyes and gender has seen and done too much. I lost my team over and over, I was the reason my brother went psychotic, my grandson is dead and even Ianto...i just want a fresh start. As a woman"

The Doctor choked. "What?"

"I'm having a sex change"

"But why?" Amy cried out. "You're bloody gorgeous the way you are"

Jack grinned at her. "I like this one"

"You want me to be here for you when you become a Jackie? Oh good god you're going to become Rose's Mum" the Doctor said paling. "I always knew there was something wrong with that woman when she hit on me the first time we met"

Both Amy and Jack looked at the Doctor. Amy feared for his sanity while Jack was struggling to not laugh.

"I won't become a Jackie, Doc. Don't worry I have a totally different alter-ego planned out, I just wanted you to be there with me like you're always are"

"Fine, fine, but no hitting on Amy. She's just a kid"

"Excuse me?!"

"Ooh, I say the redhead says otherwise. Besides, why shouldn't she have the honour of being the last woman to sleep with Jack Harkness? I have twenty minutes till the meds kick in, what do you say doll? I'll make it worth your time"

"Well....Hey! Let go of me!"

"We'll see you after the surgery Jack" the Doctor said as he dragged Amy out of the room by her ear. "And you, young lady should have better taste in men. What about Rory? He seemed like a good bloke, definitely a couple steps up from Mickey the Idiot in the brain department..."

Jack sat there for two whole minutes wondering if the Doctor was just being overprotective or jealous. It was difficult to say, he would have to observe the 11Amy relationship a lot more...maybe introduce Amy to some of the other Doctors...

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

"I honestly don't see what you have against him" Amy said again. After the Doctor's hundredth rant about Jack Bloody Harkness. The same rant he kept repeating for the past ten hours they've been in the hospital. "He seemed like a lovely bloke, I wouldn't have minded a piece of him"

"That's the thing. All my companions can't see that there's something wrong with Jack" the Doctor moaned, Amy rolled her eyes knowing he was going to start ranting again. "Rose was in love with me, but she fancied Jack to the point she made him immortal. Martha fancied me first but then wouldn't stop watching Jack run. Donna...well Donna doesn't even like men and she was drooling all over the console when she met him! Even Sarah Jane, sensible Sarah shagged him and it's so bloody wrong. He can't be that good looking. Quite honestly if he was, he's far too annoying for me to see it"

"You know what, Doctor?"

"What?"

"You're a right arrogant little toerag" she got up and stormed off down the corridor.

"Where are you going?"

"To check on Jack's progress. He might be cocky but at least he's ego is smaller than the universe"

The Doctor turned to an innocent bystander who was observing the argument. Or the lack of argument. "What have I done?"

"Mate, you were a little conceited and by the sounds of it just plain prejudiced against good looking immortals. I hope that girl never takes you to a Vampire Convention"

The Doctor glared. "Oh who asked you?" he snapped before marching after Amy.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

"C'mon Jack, I promise I won't laugh" Amy said pleadingly to the curtained bed. "I better you're even more gorgeous as a woman"

"I don't and I will laugh"

Amy elbowed the Doctor. "Don't be mean" she hissed.

"Oh don't worry" Jack's deep American drawl said from behind the curtain. "I'm bloody gorgeous all right, just I haven't finished my make-up"

"Only a woman for one hour and he's acting like one" the Doctor muttered. "Hang on! You sound just the same; I thought your voice was supposed to change as well"

"The vocal surgery isn't till next week unfortunately. But that doesn't matter because I have the tits and the-"

"Don't say it" the Doctor said. "Just don't"

"Well ready or not, here I come sweetie"

The Doctor rolled his eyes while Amy fidgeted impatiently as the curtain was pushed away.

"Oh my god!" Amy cried out. "Oh my god!"

She then burst into hysterical laughter.

The Doctor stared at the new Jack with a hysterical fearful look.

Amy leaned against him, giggling insane. "Your wife..." she gasped, "he's your wife...the man you hate is River....Song..."

"That's my new name, how did you guess? Oh you met me before hadn't you? Got to love time travel. Do you know what that means, Doctor?" the Doctor shook his head slowly. "We're going to spend all eternity together"

There was a deathly silence.

And then a deathly scream could be heard throughout the entire hospital.


End file.
